Sitting in my bed one day, I started to create a list of things that I want; this included changes to myself and changes to the things around me. This is actually a common thing that I do. I stopped part of the way, though, because I realized that I needed to take a step back and think about myself.
I have always seen myself in many different ways, mainly because I change a lot. I change the things around me and I change my own style; I change the relationships I have with people and I change the way I look at life. I wonder a lot if this is because I have never really been happy with myself. During my first year in college, I was away from a lot of things that I knew. I tried and went through so much. It made me take a step back and think about myself a lot.
I guess that I just see all of these events happening all around me and changing is my way of keeping myself with it all. Sometimes I even wonder if I really am someone unique yet relatable to other people because of how much I change. I think to myself, “I should be more like this, I wish I could have more of that, I need some of this…” when I honestly have enough as it is.
Never feeling like enough. I think that is what has made me change so much. It has made me want to become this new person over and over and over again.
But then again, I think I have changed for the better in a lot of aspects. I have gained weight so I look and feel healthier, I have thicker skin so that I can continue to gain confidence, and I have been doing what I feel like doing instead of letting others dictate my way. I suppose that is part of growing up, and if that is the case, I still have a lot of growing up to do. At least I hope so.
This summer, I want to work on myself internally and externally. I want to be healthy and strong. I want to be able to be more simple with the items that I own and also not depend so much on those items to make me happy. I don’t want to change the things around me or myself for the worse: I want to do things that will make me happy in the long run. Even if the actions that I take are small, I hope that they will still start something positive for me.
I hope that you guys will follow me in this journey.