I have a feeling that someway, somehow, you will end up reading this. You aren’t stupid and you have a decent friend group, so this may get passed along.
I’m sitting here trying to figure out how I could put our relationship into words, but a thought just came into my mind: there’s absolutely no way that I could never write a single blog post and be able to sum up the relationship that we shared. It was just more than mere words. It was the way we looked at each other in a crowded room, how we cooked dinner together and watched Black Mirror afterwards, how no matter how sad or mad we got, we communicated about it and got through it.
I remember the record store dates, the morning McDonalds runs and how we used my meal swipes to get food so that we could save our money to do things together and with other people. I remember your laughter in the morning, your stresses in the evening after work, and the noises from the TV when you played video games at midnight. I remember the grey parts in your hair, the glint of golds and blues in your green eyes, the stupid faces you would make when you joked around, and the coffee shop that we would always go for to study together.
I remember your tears. I remember your anger and fears about the future. I remember the irritation, the frustrations, the absolute confusion about how college can be. I remember you holding me, telling me that we are going to have such a great future together, starting this fall. I remember having your heart and I remember you having mine.
We all get it, though: I remember a whole lot. I remember a lot of things in great detail, but here’s the catch: I sometimes wish I didn’t.
I found out a lot of things when I left for West Virginia. I found out a lot about myself and you when we broke up; a bit more than expected, actually. Things I wish I never heard or seen, because you honestly did completely shatter my heart.
I remember laying in bed, texting my friends, wishing and wishing that I was wrong and that somehow everything I saw and heard was incorrect.
My memories don’t define me. You and what you did does not define me.
I prayed so much after everything. I found comfort in everything else around me, in people that care about me more than you ever did, in things that I gave up on during the Spring, and in places that I never expected. Most of all, I found comfort in a being so powerful, that your now wavering candlelit heart could never compare to His blinding supernova heart.
Well. Here we are now. Yes, it was fast, but I was able to move away from this heartbreak and be able to define myself and my feelings without you, thanks to God. I don’t associate myself with you, nor will I ever again. I will forgive you, but I will never forget the damage that you have done to me. I hope that you will never forget the damage that you have done, either, and I hope that one day, you will grow up and realize that not all things are factual. Not all things are black and white, and sometimes, you need to focus on the love in front of you instead of the worries of the future. You need to stop stressing out and overcomplicating the things in your life.
Don’t try to get in contact with me. Just read this and know that I am over you, just not over what you did to me. Don’t worry though, I will get over that too. God works in mysterious ways, and I know that He will have someone that is better for me and better for you. Maybe He already does.
You don’t slay anymore,