A Letter To Myself Now

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I’ve been writing a lot of letters lately.

I’ve been thinking about a lot of things.

I can’t help but to feel as though everything around me is constantly spinning and crashing sometimes, but that’s okay because all things eventually come to an end, and sometimes flowers bloom in the aftermath.


Dear Megan,

Stop thinking about other people and just please start caring about yourself. You have fallen into this weird hole of insincerity and secrecy that makes even you uncomfortable. You want to speak about this so badly to other people but you feel as though no human on this world actually cares about what you have to say about your own mental health.

Everything is falling. Everything is not exactly all that you expected it to be, huh? You did get everything that you eventually wanted but sometimes that isn’t what you need. You realize this now and wonder how you could ever fix anything.

People cannot fill the gap that you have created in your heart. Loving others will not make you feel whole again. You need to learn how to care for yourself and make sure you are okay. I want you to feel brave for once and talk to someone about what is going on in your life. I want you to talk about your exes, talk about your crushes, talk about the depression, and talk about the deepening need for emotional support. I want you to stop being silent and to please just speak up.

Sometimes the silence kills you. Sometimes you hear things that you really wish you didn’t have to hear. The things you do listen to? It just hurts. Maybe thats why you have resorted to silence about things lately. You have been distracting yourself with minuscule things like empty words and videos online.

Find the people who do not give you empty words and try to find the people who you feel WANT to text you and WANT to hang out. Ask people how they feel for once in your life instead of assuming and PLEASE just ask others what they want to do first. The assumptions that you have been making are not healthy.

You close your eyes and see this:

You see your childhood. You see trees above you and mud below you, feet scrambling to reach all of your destinations. You see people around you trying their best to reach their goals, but never getting quite enough. You see yourself, looking in the mirror, hoping that you can one day care for someone because of how you felt that no one really cared for you in the first place. You were expected to keep the role of the smart child, the one that learns everything through observation and appreciation of the sciences that were brought upon you.

You were expected to do so much more than you could ever imagine, but the only thing you were never told to do was to care nor love yourself.

You feel as though you are not good enough. You feel like your heart is not good enough for him.

Here’s the thing: you keep trying. That has to mean something to people. You try so so hard to be able to live, to get up on your feet in the morning.

You never give up. You were always stubborn about the things you truly cared about and would never stop until you eventually got it. You never stopped, and thats why you  wanted to care for people in the first place; you never wanted people to go through what you went through in your own head.

I guess if I had to give you advice, it would be to stop for a moment and think about whats best for you right now. I know you have so many questions and so many assumptions to make about the answers of those questions. You need to ask. You need to take that first step and ask. God has been on your side this whole time, Megan. He loves you and will never leave your side. You’ve been praying about everything happening to the point of no return, and He needs you to ask. He needs you to take the path that He has cleared for you.

He needs you to be honest to yourself and take care of your life. He wants you to be honest with others about how you feel and honest about the path that you NEED to take. Remember that you are blessed and remember that people DO care.

Please don’t think otherwise anymore.

Take care of yourself,

Megan


 

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