I’m still a broken person. I still look behind everyone’s back, including my own, to make sure nothing is hiding. I’ve grown sort of cold because of what has happened to me.
I was laying in bed one night, feeling really dizzy. I started to think about memories, good and bad; all at once they began to pound into my head. A lot of terrible events in my life have been catching up to me and I haven’t been as strong as I usually am.
Then I started to swirl in this pool of hate. When I realized what had happened, I got up and stopped. I opened my eyes and realized that my heart is heavy with resentment and fear.
I know that our relationship was beautiful at one point and I know that there were many things that I had learned from him. I took a look around and thought to myself, “How has he changed me for the better?”
So here I am. To make myself feel a little more at ease, I started a list of things to thank him for. Some of these are sort of silly sounding, but it honestly helped me in some way, shape, or form.
I hope you guys may get a laugh out of this or will enjoy what I have to say.
PS: I finally unblocked him (or you, depending on if this finds it’s way to him HAHA). I’m sorry for some of the things said. I hope you’re happy now. And if this annoys you or bothers you? Well too bad because this helps me realize that not all memories of people who have hurt me should be bad.
1. Taking away my fear of the dark (for the MOST part I guess)
I used to never like sleeping in the dark. I used to ALWAYS have to have a TV on when I went to sleep. I wake up in the middle of the night a LOT and I usually just turned the TV back on and went back to sleep.
I would always stay at his house late and 9/10, I ended up falling asleep there. When I would wake up in the middle of the night, it was usually pitch black. I felt too awkward to even ATTEMPT to turn on a light, so I just ended up going back to sleep.
So maybe he didn’t take away my fear, but the situation itself helped me a lot. So thanks for that I guess HAHA. I actually really like sleeping in pure darkness now; I think it helps me sleep better.
2. Introducing me to my favorite album of all time
I was familiar with the album Parachutes (Coldplay), but not as familiar as I am now. We used to listen to all kinds of music together and he eventually showed me one song from the album, which made me interested in the whole thing, which, well, this ending is obvious.
He even got the vinyl for me as a gift, which I still love and spin to this day.
3. Introducing me to some of the best people I know
I met one person through this boy, and because of this event, I now live in a wonderful place with girls that are really cool, as well as a small web of people that I consider my friends. As far as I know, he is no longer friends with a few of the people that he introduced me to. I have reconnected with one girl and she is honestly one of the sweetest people I know. She deserves the best and we both ended up becoming good friends, even after he and I broke up.
4. Encouraging me to do what I want
There was a time in my life where I let a lot of people influence my decisions and actions. I mean, I had a mind of my own and did a lot on my own. I just followed a lot of people and didn’t understand my full potential.
For example: I’ve always wanted to cut my hair short. He (and of course a couple others) REALLY encouraged me to do what I wanted. I did it, and I absolutely loved it. Still love it to this day.
He also encouraged me to start this blog, which helped me a lot.
I started wearing what I wanted and ended up finding pieces that I still love to this day. I started acting like how I wanted to and treating others how I felt they should be treated. I did a lot more for the people that I loved after he left, because that was the one thing that never got to me while I was with him.
I’ll still give him SOME credit for the encouragement.
5. Showing me some of my favorite movie scenes
I never heard of a lot of movie companies, or movies for that matter, when I met him. His love for media and movies honestly disturbed me a little bit because his personality just became so consumed by it.
Anyways, he showed me many different movies, or encouraged me to watch more movies. I still haven’t seen many movies to this day, but because of him, for example, I know of the O-Ren Ishii vs. Beatrix fight from Kill Bill. Which I watch so often and LOVE.
6. Reminding me of who my true friends are
I will straighten one thing out: I thank him for this because it was OUR RELATIONSHIP that did this, not him himself if that makes any sense. As I started to become closer to him, many of my friends didn’t even seem to care anymore. They never texted me or tried to make plans with me anymore. I only had a few people that I trusted at that point in my life.
To this day, I see them as friends, but I honestly don’t think that I could ever be close with them again. I have found people who honest to God care about me and love me, and the others that just completely ignored me are not a big part of my life. I don’t blame them for separating themselves from me; I blame them for not talking to me about it, for not showing concern for me. The reason I thank him for this is because, well, who else would I thank?
7. Showing me what I want and don’t want in a relationship
Things between us were…. interesting for a while. At the time, he was what I needed. He showed me a lot about college and what I should and should not do. There were still things that I never want again, though.
We were an inseparable couple, which I know that I don’t want in the future. I love my space and I love sleeping by myself in a bed. I love going shopping by myself and binging shows on Hulu by myself.
I don’t want a relationship that revolves so much around media and other people. I want something intimate and personal, something that is private and shared only between the two.
The BIGGEST want of all, though, is that I want communication. I want to be able to be honest with someone without worrying about the anger that might explode in my face. That is now the bottom line for me, and I have him to thank for making me realize that.
8. Breaking my perception of a perfect relationship
I am a very emotional person. I love cheesy movies and things that make my standards high. I had this vision of being with someone that I would be with forever, someone that would accept me for every single flaw and bring my flowers when he knew I felt sad.
He showed me that these such things just aren’t realistic. Not only am I a human, but the other person is too. He had flaws and he had issues that only he could honestly take care of at the time. Everyone always dreams of dating the player and making him quit his game, but that just cannot happen. No one can fix other people because people can only fix themselves; you can only hold their hand through the process and hope. Perfect relationships do not exist, nor will they ever.
9. Proving to me that I should not trust all people
I had so much trust in this boy, you all have no idea. I trusted him with so many of my secrets and flaws and so many of the things that give me pure happiness.
I was a very open minded person. I mean, I am one now, but not to the point to where I was a year ago. I shared a lot with other people and never really thought of the consequences.
When I found out what had honestly happened, my heart shattered into a million pieces and I grew just sort of numb. I still feel slightly numb to this day, but I’m slowly working on it. I do trust people, don’t get me wrong, but I am a lot more selective about it now.
10. Making me raise my standards
I will address you head on now.
You were so angsty and angry about what was happening in your life; you had so much to say but you never wanted to say anything to the people that mattered. I wasn’t there to remind you and comfort you anymore, so I suppose I get why you did what you did. I still remember the phone call I got while I was on vacation and now I know why you were so upset and frustrated with yourself.
I don’t want this person that is closed off to communication about things like that. I don’t want someone that will lie to me to “spare my feelings.” I want someone genuine, I want someone that is loyal to me and to the people around them.
I want someone who isn’t so much like me. Because I now know what made us work so well for awhile and that is something psychological that I won’t disclose on this blog. I doubt you even have an idea of what I’m talking about, because I only realized this recently.
Don’t twist this, though. I sincerely hope you are happy, as well as her.
I learned a lot about relationships and love from you. I want to love someone better and vice versa. All things come to an end, but I know one day that won’t be the case for either of us.
Thank you guys for reading this. I’ve actually held this blog off for almost two weeks now because I honestly did put a lot a thought into this. I feel… lighter now that I have spoken more about this to people.
Never forget that I am available to anyone that needs me. Be sure to message me if you need to speak to someone.
I love you all.