I have found myself in this state of mind where I tend to look behind my back before stepping forward; I don’t want this for myself.
I read something that I had written not too long ago and it made me realize a few things.
Before I get into this, though, I’m going to let you guys read what I had to say at the time. I’m not sure if I have posted this passage on my blog before, but I will go ahead and put it on this one just for the sake of what I am going to say.
I remember always wanting to grow up as a child, because I saw how smart other adults were in my life. I grew up so so fast and I don’t believe for a second that I deserved that. Some things are better left alone and that especially was towards the thoughts of my childhood. I remember growing up where I could run and run and run and never get anywhere. I remember wandering for miles in dense woods and somehow always finding my way home. I remember how the leaves changed so quickly and how they went from incredibly dense to thin, and then back to being again just a few months later. I remember climbing up steep hills and mountains, hoping to one day see the view from the top. That’s all I ever wanted to see: the world. The world at it’s best, it’s worst, in all of its beauty. The crispness of each leaf and branch still remind me of my front yard, which is dense forest that continues on for miles and miles and miles. I remember whistling back and forth to birds, as if we were having a conversation that could change my life. I remember drawing with sidewalk chalk on my grandma’s back sidewalk, thinking that it would be there forever, just as my imprint on this world would be. That is what I am used to: the protected, “pure” world of central Appalachia. The world of racism and constricted thoughts of sexual integrity and animal decomposition down highways. The world where not only is it wrong to be different, but it is shamed. The world where people will tell you that you will be successful, but not in the outside world. If you left, you left everyone and everything behind.
I wrote a little about my time in West Virginia in my last blog post, but that is not what this is about. Nor am I trying to give WV a negative image all around.
I read this and thought about myself as a child, how I had everything put in front of me so that I never really wanted to look back in the first place. I always looked forward, not always with my head held high, but forward nonetheless.
My past experiences and thoughts have recently caught up to me, sort of forcing me to turn around and reflect on what could have and should have been.
All sorts of flashes of memories dash by me and speed up moment after moment after moment until my head gets clouded with the “what ifs.”
My journey with God has been incredibly enlightening for me. I have mentioned many times in the past that I have complete trust in His plan and path for me. As confident as I feel in Him and His plan for me, I still find myself turning around.
I’ve been asking myself why I’ve been doing this as well.
People love the idea of movement, the idea that things can be done quickly and with ease. I am such an impatient person and I think that is one reason why these feelings have been emerging lately. I always want things to be instant; I am a fool and I am reckless. I don’t mean this in an insulting way, either, as I believe that all people are fools in their own shapes and ways.
I think I need to slow down. I think that I need to learn more patience and realize that in order for my life to change and in order for me to not turn around and dwell on the past, I need to change. I want to be the best person I can be, the best version of me that God intended me to be.
Here is why you should not look back.
It’s quite simple, really. The best things in life are found when looking forward.
The future has so much more to hold than the past. The future can be changed, the future is new and bright. Dwelling in the past is something that should rarely be done, in my opinion, because it cannot be changed. We all have done things that we regret and I can only hope that the person reading this can find their own form of peace.
I may believe in God and all the beauty that He has created around me, but I hope that whatever you believe in, you believe in it with your whole heart. I hope that you look at the future with bright eyes and learn from the mistakes and misfortunes in the past.
You are not your past. You are what you will make of yourself in the future.
I love you all. You all are always in my prayers and you all inspire my writing. Thank you.