I don’t know why, but it feels like I have concrete shoes on. I try so hard to move along artistically, but for some reason, I feel as though I am unworthy of such waves.
The weight of my own thoughts and feelings have been holding me back lately. Here’s the problem, though: everything is completely okay.
I am financially okay and only getting better (budgeting has become more of a priority), I have all As in my classes, I have loving friends and a boyfriend that cares about me endlessly, and I have only been getting more and more confident in the way that I dress and look.
So why do I feel as though something is missing? Why do I feel as though I cannot write or draw anymore?
Don’t get me wrong, either, because I do write occasionally. The amount of writing and drawing that I have done recently has been slim to none, though, and this depresses me. I keep asking myself, “What is not working for me?” and because of my current situation, there is no answer.
The people around me create such beautiful art. I guess I just feel as though I will never be as good or never have my own style that is as good.
This is why I have been silent on this blog for a hot minute now. I haven’t felt as confident in my writing. I find myself impossibly comparing to other writers and artists to the point of self destruction.
I know what you may be thinking: “Just make art. Don’t worry about what other’s are saying or thinking because it is what YOU want.”
I say this a lot, quite hypocritically to be honest.
But I just can’t. I can’t bring myself to ruin a canvas or a page from my sketchbook because I feel as though I cannot afford to do so. People have always tried to dig into my life because I suppose I dislike letting all people know every single fact about me, which just makes others more curious. Many people have just grabbed and looked through my sketchbooks and notebooks with no permission.
It’s like this feeling in the back of my head that says, “If they see this, they will be disappointed.”
Here is the issue: this is all in my own head. I don’t want to feel like this, believe me. I am the only person that can dig myself out of this hole and I am the only person that can make MY art. I know that I am an individual, but am I an individual with talent? Will I really help someone with what art I make or with the words that I say? Will I make a difference?
I ask myself this often, but then another question comes up in my head that instantly changes my answer.
Who will I save with my silence?
How could I ever make a difference if I don’t at least try? I need to try for you all, I need to try for myself and for those that I love more than anything.
That is what we all need right now: to focus on what radiates love from within. To focus on how we can grow and learn from our mistakes. To focus on what OUR OWN meaning of beauty is and not what you have been told.
I just hope that this will stick to me, that my own words will truly radiate within me. Because I miss art. I miss doing what I wanted without worrying about others’ opinions.
I hope that whatever you do, you do it for you.
“You must have chaos within you to give birth to a dancing star.”
Thank you all for reading,