To be honest with you all, I still have trouble figuring out how this feels to me. I wrote this one day while I was on break at work, and then some more on my way home. I haven’t written in so long, and thus I haven’t updated this blog. I’m not sure if I even did this right, or did this in the way that I used to be able to do, but I tried. I’m trying and I guess that is all that matters.
It sounds like Bon Iver to me now.
I used to love Bon Iver, you know? I used to sing along and love Justin’s gentle tones, but now I get a weird pit in my stomach, thinking about the live performance that I saw.
Depression has hit me hard. This time of the year, when everyone is cooped up in their houses and warm within their beds, I never want to leave.
My legs are like stone and my head just keeps saying no. No, don’t get up. Eventually my body declines that and gets up anyways. It’s like breaking out of chains and twisting your mind back into place in order to be able to function in society.
You lose interest in everything that once sparked wildfires in your heart. You used to write until you couldn’t write anymore, you used to cut up clothes because they were boring, you used to draw portraits because you loved the way cheekbones looked when shaded.
Now you see them as wastes of time, because you can barely control or take care of yourself anyways.
You get up and do regular things, and even go shopping to distract yourself from the truth. You twist your hair, show others love, and take steps on concrete to get to work every day, but no one else could ever do the same for you.
You can only do those things for others. It is so easy to love other people, it’s the terrifying challenge of loving yourself that makes life hard. It’s the getting past the 1 meal a day to stay fit, it’s getting past the need to wear something “cool” everyday to keep up your image, it’s the constant beating down of successes of the people around you while you are struggling so hard to stay afloat.
It’s struggling so hard to give yourself the self care that you need. You give yourself bubble baths and face masks and hope that this fixes the perforations that you and others have made, but it’s not enough. There is not enough clothes and hair dye in the world to fix how you feel for more than a moment.
Sometimes the self care you need is to get out of bed on time to actually make it to your first class. Sometimes it is giving yourself a really nice meal because you haven’t eaten a meal in a few days. You eat snacks to get by and hope it’s enough. Sometimes self care is doing the hardest things in life so that you can stop worrying about how you’re going to do them in the first place.
Sometimes self care is making it to therapy, telling your friends that you’re not okay, cleaning the pile of dishes in your kitchen, doing the laundry you haven’t done in weeks. Sometimes self care is telling your family that you love them, but this is how I really feel.
I’m not okay. I don’t plan on doing anything drastic or harsh to myself or others, but that does not mean that I am okay. I’m trying my best to dig and dig and hopefully find something that will give me some drive in life.
But after thinking about it for awhile, I have realized that an outside source is not what can help me. I have to help myself.
I have to know myself and go through the hardships in order to feel relaxed. I have to learn how to love myself and my body so that I don’t miss classes over figuring out what to wear. I have to be someone that can stand up a little taller, breathe a little deeper, and look up a little more often.
I just have to remind myself that I am alive. That can be the hardest part sometimes, but it is also the part that can give a person drive. The fact that my whole life I have gone through many hardships and they have yet to kill me.
I hope you guys liked this post. I’m sorry that I haven’t posted in such a long time, but I hope this will suffice as an apology.
I love you all.